The first time I held you in my arms
The first time your eyes saw mine
The first steps you took, your first smile and first tooth
Your very first day at school.

I remember them all with tears and with smiles
Those days will never come back.
I cherish them and remember some well
With photos and papers and keepsakes.

But I remember too some bittersweet lasts,
Though they’re not written in your book
They aren’t quite as clear and sometimes I missed them
In the demands of the everyday pace.

The last time I read you a bedtime story
The last time we said your prayers
The last time you kissed me when you left the car
The last time I signed a card.

The last time I wiped away a tear of pain,
The last time we spoke harsh words
The last time you packed up your belongings
To move to your very own place.

My motherhood role has been folded away
I will never wear it again.
Our places are changed and our dreams are all full
Of remembrances instead of hopes.

But the new hope I have is an unspoken one
That the memories we keep will be real
And the love that formed the foundation we have
Will last through the years that remain.

And when we say our last goodbye
The tears that you shed will be sweet
For you’ll know that I will be watching you
Till we meet again in God’s arms.


Jane 2007

Gone –suddenly, 

Snatched from this earthly plain.

No time for goodbyes, plans, last thoughts

In a twinkling, gone.

Shock – unavoidable,

Pain of loss and unsaid words,

No chance to savor, thank, forgive

Like echoes, dust beams, haze barely seen.

I know logically,

This is what you would choose.

No suffering, no gradual decline.

You leave well-remembered, in your prime.

But how it hurts

We left behind to mourn,

Pick up the shattered that cannot be mended,

Hold onto what cannot be encompassed.

We can only honor you by

Holding tighter to those yet here,

Cherishing and choosing with much better care

And looking past this pain to the eternal.

Jane 2012

I’m a princess of Egypt –
My mother was the Queen of Denial.
She ruled her domain
With a scepter of shame
Kept her dignity all the while.

The rules of the kingdom
Not spoken at all
Kept the terror of truth at bay:
Daddy’s not drunk
He’s asleep on the floor
The wolf is not at the door.

It didn’t really happen
If you don’t talk about it.
You are just like everyone else.
The pain that you feel will just go away
If you keep it all to yourself.

Don’t talk about it,
Don’t think about it,
Don’t do anything at all.
Keep it inside,
Hold it inside,
Your home is in Egypt’s wall.

But I heard a story
Said I could be free
If I opened my heart to the truth.
Told all the tales
Let out my fears
And regrets of my wasted youth.

But I’m not going home anymore
Egypt’s a dream I don’t need
There’s freedom to be had
When I let it all go
And face every day unafraid.

And I’m gonna talk about it,
I’m gonna think about it,
I’m gonna do what needs to be done.
Gonna let go of pain,
Won’t live there again,
‘Cause Egypt’s no longer my home!

Jane ‘05
(this is about recovering as a co-dependent)